by talkingtoteens.com
Parent-teen researcher Andy Earle talks with various experts about the art and science of parenting teenagers. Find more at www.talkingtoteens.com
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10/1/2017
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April 13, 2025
<p>Sara and Morton Sherman, authors of Resonant Minds, reveal how parents can use music intentionally to build stronger connections with teens, navigate emotions, and support adolescent development.</p><p><strong>Full Show Notes</strong></p><p>In a fast-paced world flooded by digital distractions, it's sometimes difficult for parents to understand how to connect more closely with their teens. We might even wonder: Is music helping or distracting teens? They have their headphones on non-stop, but what music are they listening to, and why does it mean so much to them? Music is consistently present throughout teen culture, providing emotional refuge, identity reinforcement, and sometimes, a channel to express thoughts that might otherwise remain unspoken. But as parents, educators, and caregivers, how can we intentionally use music as a communication tool to foster emotional growth, mindfulness, and stronger family connections?</p><p>In this week's conversation, we explore how music isn't just entertainment or background noise—it's a powerful gateway to teen emotions and a key to deeper family relationships when used mindfully and intentionally.</p><p>Our guests this week, Sara Leila Sherman and Morton Sherman, authors of the new book Resonant Minds: The Transformative Power of Music, One Note at a Time, help parents explore ways to better understand and support their teens through music. Sara is a classical musician, educator, and founder of the children's concert series Mozart for Munchkins and the Little Mozart Foundation, while Morton is an esteemed educational leader renowned for visionary contributions in teaching and leadership. They're here to offer insight into the rich possibilities music provides for building emotional awareness, mindfulness, and family connections.</p><p><strong>How Music Shapes Emotions and Mindset<br></strong><br></p><p>Sara and Mort explain that teenagers spend up to four hours a day on average listening to music—but not always intentionally or thoughtfully. Music, they explain, is always working subtly to influence our emotions. Intentionally choosing music can help teens shift their emotional state, whether they want to reduce stress, lift their mood, or even find calm and concentration. Sara reveals how a simple piece of music can help teens reach a calmer mindset or even create safe emotional exploration.</p><p>Sara shares practical tips on how parents can help teens become more purposeful listeners. Asking teens to select songs as a mood-boosting family activity, for example, can create an emotional dialogue and a stronger familial bond. But this practice takes patience and openness—forcing teens to turn off their music or forbidding certain genres won’t work and can backfire quickly. The real key, the Shermans explain, is to let music serve as a platform for conversations, connections, and ultimately self-discovery.</p><p><strong>Using Music for Mindfulness and Family Harmony<br></strong><br></p><p>Sara highlights examples from her workshops, where music paired with mindful practices helps students handle anxiety or self-consciousness during challenging moments. Simple exercises, like breathing along with the rhythm of a carefully-selected piece of music, can significantly relieve tension. Additionally, choosing family music traditions or routines—like designating a specific artist or playlist to accompany certain tasks like homework, chores, or winding down—can set helpful rhythms for the entire family's daily routine.</p><p>Mort emphasizes that music isn’t just about individual wellbeing, but also about building community and understanding. He suggests that instead of shutting down teens’ interests or dismissing music they appreciate but parents might find unsettling, we can choose to engage in it as an educational and bonding opportunity. Redirecting potentially negative influences requires a careful conversational approach, built on trust, respect, and dialogue. By showing respectful curiosity about their music choices, we not only acknowledge their emerging independence, we also reinforce healthy decision-making skills.</p><p><strong>Cultivating Positive Musical Habits<br></strong><br></p><p>The Shermans encourage parents and teens alike to develop “mindful musical habits” to promote emotional regulation and balance. Sara explains how picking anchoring pieces of music—those we connect strongly with and that reliably help us feel grounded—can become positive habits in both teens' and parents' daily landscapes. Mort adds the importance of experimenting and discovering what works best for each individual family member, reminding parents that music choice is deeply personal, and what works for one may not resonate for all. Mutual respect in listening develops lifelong learning, understanding, and family closeness.</p><p>Mort also suggests playful, simple family activities, like guessing songs by tapping rhythms, sharing musical memories from each generation, or collectively creating family playlists, can extend bonding experiences. These intentional rituals turn fleeting family moments into treasured memories, layered with musical meaning that resonates far beyond adolescence.</p><p><strong>In the Episode…<br></strong><br></p><p>Whether your teen is an aspiring musician or just glued to their Spotify account, the Shermans provide practical, actionable ideas to make music a more intentional part of family life. Other topics covered include:</p><ul><li>How music can support teens who struggle socially or academically</li><li>Using musical earworms positively in your teen’s daily routine</li><li>Why parents shouldn't outright ban controversial music but engage through listening and dialogue</li><li>Emerging technologies and AI-generated personalized music—and how it impacts teens' musical consumption</li></ul><p>To learn more about Resonant Minds and find the Sherman’s recommended playlist, visit resonantminds.com. You can also directly experience Sara's interactive musical sessions at Mozart for Munchkins events if you're located in New York City. Thanks so much for tuning in this week—share, subscribe, and stay tuned for more fascinating conversations next week!</p>
April 6, 2025
<p>William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-driven Child, share how parents can build connection, support autonomy, set healthy expectations, and create more joy and calm in family life.</p><p><strong>Full Show Notes</strong></p><p>As our children grow into teenagers, parents often find themselves uncertain about how deeply to intervene. We know our kids need our involvement and guidance, but teenagers also crave autonomy and independence. Teens often appear distant and difficult, getting frustrated when we try to help solve their problems, yet feeling hurt when we don't show enough interest. Add stress about school, extracurriculars, and the future into the mix, and family life can quickly spiral into frequent conflict, anxiety, and disconnection.</p><p>How can we give our teenagers the steady presence they need without micromanaging or inadvertently amplifying their stress? What does being a relaxed, positive, and supportive parent actually look like in daily practice? How can we inspire our teens to be driven, motivated, and self-directed without resorting to threats, bribes, or constant reminders?</p><p>Today's guests, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, offer compassionate, practical solutions from their new book, The Seven Principles for Raising a Self-driven Child. Bill is a clinical neuropsychologist, and Ned is the founder of Prep Matters. After two bestselling books on parenting and educational motivation, their latest interactive workbook provides powerful exercises and reflective prompts to help parents foster resilience, autonomy, and joy in their families. Together, Bill and Ned show how parents can become calm, confident leaders who empower teens rather than push or control them.</p><p><strong>Building a Calm and Confident Parental Presence<br></strong><br></p><p>Bill and Ned share why being a calm, non-anxious presence is one of the most powerful ways to support our teens. Rather than reflecting back our children's stress or adding to it with our own worries, they recommend setting the goal of becoming less emotionally reactive. Bill and Ned offer practical strategies, including meditation and cognitive practices, to train ourselves out of fear-based interactions. This calm approach reinforces teens' belief that they can handle life's ups and downs without parents needing to intervene constantly.</p><p><strong>Healthy Expectations vs. Anxiety-Driven Pressure</strong></p><p><br>How high should parents set their expectations? Bill and Ned dive deep into how expectations can provide either healthy motivation or become harmful sources of anxiety. They remind parents that expressing gentle confidence—that our teens are capable if they work at something—is far healthier and more motivating than demanding perfect outcomes. Bill and Ned reveal thoughtful ways to assess and realign your family's expectations around what truly matters to you and your teen.</p><p><br><strong>Using Joy and Humor to Connect</strong></p><p>It's easy for family life with teens to center solely around problems to solve—grades, chores, social relationships—leaving everyone exhausted and joyless. In this episode, Ned and Bill emphasize why prioritizing joyful family rituals like Friday movie nights, outings, or humor-filled interactions are so essential. By carving out time simply to enjoy and laugh together, you communicate that your child's presence is valued and loved unconditionally, no matter the stressors you face.</p><p><br><strong>Helping Teens Discover Their Own Path</strong></p><p>Many teens feel overwhelmed by other people's expectations—parents, teachers, coaches—and lose sight of what they truly want or care about. Bill and Ned offer profound insights into how to ask non-threatening, reflective questions about what teens genuinely love and value. Learning to help your teens identify their intrinsic motivators rather than external pressures is vital to building lifelong skills and confidence.</p><p><br><strong>In this Episode, we also discuss</strong></p><ul><li>Talking to teens about their core values</li><li>The surprising importance of "passionate pastimes"</li><li>Addressing perfectionism and self-criticism</li><li>Strategies to parent anxiety-prone or avoidant teens</li></ul><p>If you're looking for proven approaches to calm anxiety around parenting teens and foster self-driven motivation, you won't want to miss Bill and Ned's tested wisdom. Their thoughtful, compassionate insights help every parent gracefully navigate the teenage years. Listen now, and make sure to subscribe and share!</p>
March 30, 2025
<p>Doug Bolton, author of Untethered, reveals why teenage misbehavior is a skill issue rather than a motivation problem—and explains how adults can teach teens emotional regulation, stress management, and accountability.</p><p><strong>Full Show Notes</strong></p><p>We've all been there; after yet another homework battle, missed curfew, or bitter argument, we throw our hands up in frustration and wonder why can't our teen just behave? Typically we've been taught to see teens' "problem behaviors"—breaking rules, fighting us on homework, zoning out—is all a motivation issue. We've internalized the idea that teens “act out” because they're lazy, they don’t care enough, or they're defiantly choosing not to listen. As a result, parents often respond by escalating punishments, removing privileges, or lecturing until everyone is angry or shut down.</p><p>But what if we've got this all wrong? What if we’re mislabeling stress behaviors and skill deficits as "bad motivation"? Shifting from a motivation-based view to seeing teen misbehavior as a lack of emotional regulation skills can be truly transformational for families. It turns out that when teens aren't meeting expectations, they're usually struggling because they haven’t developed crucial skills yet, like moving easily from something they want to do (TikTok, gaming) towards something they don't (homework, chores). Instead of punishing teens, parents can address the root cause: helping them build essential, lifelong skills.</p><p>To guide us in rethinking teen discipline, we're joined by Doug Bolton, psychologist, longtime principal, therapist, and author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Doug spent over two decades as principal at Northshore Academy, a school designed specifically for emotionally and behaviorally struggling teens. He's observed firsthand how approaching misbehavior as a stress and skills problem, rather than a motivation issue, transforms kid's lives and relationships.</p><p>In this episode, Doug explains why punishments and incentives typically fail with teenagers—and how we can shift to skill-building and connection instead. We'll learn how teens' brains work differently around stress and decision-making (hint: they're not fully mature until age 30!) and why we can't expect instant adult-level reasoning from them constantly. Doug gives us step-by-step guidance on how to respond effectively when teens are stressed, emotional, and reactive.</p><p><strong>Why Emotions, Not Motivation, Drive Behavior:</strong></p><p>Have you ever noticed how some days your teen can easily breeze through their homework, while other days they struggle intensely? Doug explains that this is one of the telltale signs of emotional and stress behavior. Teens' emotional regulation skills are still developing, and their ability to smoothly manage stressors fluctuates based on context and daily circumstances. Their struggles come from the normal teenage brain being a "work in progress," not from laziness or defiance.</p><p>Doug illustrates how quickly adults escalate to punishments when they feel out of control, unintentionally reinforcing shame and fear. Instead, he shows how we can help teens practice emotional regulation strategies like breaks, walks, or even a few minutes playing video games or listening to music, to bring their brains back into calmer, rational territory.</p><p><strong>Effective Discipline: Teaching Skills, Not Enforcing Punishment</strong></p><p>Instead of punishments that create resentment and anger, Doug emphasizes the importance of accountability. But this accountability isn't about suffering detention or grounding—it's about responsibility and making amends. He explains how parents can coach teens through thoughtful conversations about repairing harm done, being responsible, and explaining what happened. Teens are capable of mature reflection, empathy and restitution if we guide them, rather than shame them.</p><p>Doug also speaks powerfully about the mistakes adults make when it comes to teen status and stress. How younger teens or "less successful" students experience enormous stress from being at the bottom of the peer or family-status ladder, and why we must watch carefully that we aren’t subtly reinforcing these harmful hierarchies at home. Treating all kids fairly and helping each teen find purpose and status in their unique talents deeply reduces unhealthy stress.</p><p><strong>Helping Teens Find Their Purpose Through Service and Connection</strong></p><p>Sometimes the teens labeled "troubled" or 'hard-to-reach" are actually those most capable of empathy and service. Doug shares moving stories of teens who were acting out or at risk, yet discovered purpose and meaning through helping younger students or mentoring peers through similar struggles (such as substance abuse recovery). Often the kids who've encountered the biggest hurdles have profound insights to share, if we provide opportunities for them to give.</p><p>Doug explains how shifting these teens from being the only recipients of support (or discipline) to being providers and mentors themselves can radically change their trajectory, healing emotional wounds and boosting their sense of self-worth.</p><p><strong>In the Episode…</strong></p><p>There's a wealth of wisdom Doug shares beyond these topics! In our conversation, Doug and I also cover:</p><ul><li>Practical emotional regulation strategies for parents and teens</li><li>How to identify "stress behaviors" and address underlying stressors</li><li>Why punishments work against connection (and what to do instead!)</li><li>What parents can learn from couples' "bids for connection"</li><li>Why teens who struggle most can often give the greatest gifts</li></ul><p>This episode takes a closer look at what truly sparks teenage acting out behaviors—and how we as parents and educators can respond thoughtfully and effectively. Doug's approach reframes teen discipline from a power struggle toward understanding, connection, and mutual learning. If you’re looking for realistic strategies to reduce confrontations and transform your relationship with your teen, be sure to tune in.</p><p>Doug Bolton is author of Untethered: Creating Connected Families, Schools, and Communities to Raise a Resilient Generation. Check him out online at drdougbolton.com or FPSchicago.com to learn more. Thanks for listening, and don't forget to share this episode and subscribe to Talking to Teens—we'll see you next week!</p>
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